White lies-"I have to train my hamster," say, or "I'm having a kidney transplant"-can be a relatively easy and effective option, provided that your ghostee is capable of grasping subtlety. So what's the most humane ghosting method? Should I offer a series of polite excuses or just shut it down? You are not obligated to offer this level of effort to every coworker, acquaintance, or stranger who follows you on Instagram. Intimacy will die if serious conflicts aren't addressed, so in your important relationships, you have to develop the courage to confront, whether that means putting your thoughts in a letter, going to couples counseling, or organizing an intervention. Is ghosting just a cop-out for those who can't handle confrontation?Ĭonfrontation is actually an intimacy skill, a way to resolve issues with people you really want in your life. A clean break makes it far less likely you'll find your former lover hiding outside your bedroom with a box of tissues and a playlist of Adele songs. Ghosting someone you're dating could cause agonies of confusion, false hope, and disappointment. In fact, emotional intensity is the very reason you shouldn't disappear. The gradual approach seems gentler, easier. Because people are particularly vulnerable in romantic relationships, most of us would rather ghost than face the dreaded breakup conversation. I also never advise fading away from someone you're dating. If you routinely ignore a friend when it's convenient but assume she'll drop everything when you're bored or need a sympathetic ear, expect to be ghosted yourself. It's unfair to ghost someone while simultaneously expecting her to maintain an intimate connection with you. So you can exorcise your ghosting guilt at once. If you consistently email, text, or post beyond your genuine desire to do so, your soul will be sucked into your smartphone. No one can keep up with the sheer number of relationships available in a world so cyberwired that kittens have their own Twitter feeds. When you're flooded with social connections, you have to let some go. When you're flooded with information, forgetting is inevitable. This is a bit like asking if it's morally wrong to forget a book you read. But I sense that you have questions, so please ask away. Over time, some of us have honed ghosting into a fine art, and now you, too, can master it the way our ancestors mastered fire. So we didn't evolve to tiptoe out of relationships: It's a skill we, as a species, had to learn. Originally humans moved in small groups, and the only options for avoiding someone were (1) making excuses that required exhaustingly vigorous follow-through ("Sorry, I have to build a hut/give birth/fight a cave bear") or (2) dying. It's the inevitable by-product of modern transportation and communication technologies, which let us stay in near-constant contact with a virtually limitless number of people. In many other situations, however, ghosting is just practical. If you're a firefighter who's just promised someone you'll be right back to extract him from flaming wreckage, you can't take off for a week and then say, "Sorry, I got really busy." Obviously, it's wrong to ghost a person you really care about, or one who literally physically depends on you. I'm not making an across-the-board statement here. I'm referring to the phenomenon of ghosting, in which a person gradually withdraws from a relationship-ignoring phone calls, being mysteriously unavailable for social engagements-until only her wraithlike absence remains. It's time we spoke frankly about something almost everybody does but no one mentions in polite company.
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